It's late, and I'm sleepy
12 November 2006
it’s late and i haven’t gotten more than 5 hours of sleep in the last two nights. but i don’t care because my mind won’t stop running. it’s always when i’m overtired that suddenly my brain feels the need to have all these unsystematic, ‘life-question’ kind of thoughts, and in turn i feel compelled to at least put it on paper…since i can’t sleep anyway.
i am frustrated, frustrated with myself. always seeing in me that which i wish wasn’t there, never satisfied by where i am, always longing for something not already before me. but at the same time i am overwhelmed by excitement. so in love with the fact that i am alive; dreaming constantly of that which is mine to take hold of and run with as i far as i can, a story that is mine to create, the boundaries endless. and it’s a terrible thing, feeling caught in the middle, day to day emotions swinging between the two extremes.
and why is it that the whole world feels compelled to match itself with an identity. or so it appears to me. perhaps not. maybe this is my way of compensating for a lack of self confidence, trying to make myself feel better by saying that i’m not alone in feeling the need to compare. either way it’s true for me, and it’s useless to pretend that i don’t feel the need to be accepted by others. but i look at my generation and i look at the culture that is so prevalent in our world today and i am in awe of what i see and unsure of whether i should be completely terrified. i feel like the goal is to portray an image that one’s life is desirable, yet no one is taking time to make real relationships—all is just a temporary covering to say that for the time being things look great. so who cares if my life is falling apart, as long as my webpage looks great and everyone thinks things are wonderful, that’s all that really matters, right? that’s why fashion exists, doesn’t it. and why things like myspace only continue to expand. everyone looking for an identity to shout out to the world that they fit in somewhere, that they aren’t alone.
and this itself is often a root of my frustration. for one, i so wish to feel significant in this world. but this is not what bothers me, what i hate is that i measure my worth by standards that don’t matter and am constantly comparing to those around me whether i try to or not. i’ve always been told never to compare. and yet we live in a world of paradoxes, don’t we, because i see it done everyday. so many great business ideas are based on just this: finding what hasn’t been done or what someone does not so well and then capitalizing on this asset, defining your business off of what others are lacking. and, how does one measure the success of his business? ah yes, by comparing itself to others in similar work. thank you ‘news and world report,’ ‘forbes,’ ‘entreprenuer’ you’re
but i’m tired of playing that game. i’m sick of comparing, so tired of feeling like who i am is in need of constant improvement. i think it is true, there will always be things i can do better, but my life doesn’t need to be focused around that. i want to learn how to appreciate the things that i hate about myself simply because it makes me, me. i hear myself write this and feel like i’m still in middle school, just now learning how to be comfortable being myself. did i miss the train, forget to jump on the bandwagon? ha, funny. but, here’s what i’m figuring out…who i am is constantly changing, and i don’t just figure myself out/“find myself” once. it’s a continual process that changes with each trial, challenge, error, victory, triumph, and mountain top that i cross because those are the things that push me, shape me and make me who I am.
so yes, i want to feel significant in this world, but i don’t want to continually seek confirmation in others because i’m not sure i’ll ever be good enough or if who i am will ever be what the world is looking for. why am i of worth? why am i valued? because i am the only me. there is no one like me and there never will be and that is pretty awesome. yes, i do in fact love dancing like a freak to rock music…any groovy tune for that matter. i like getting dressed up just because i want to wear a pretty dress. i adore the mountains, but i really hate being cold. i can’t image the world without oceans and relaxing days at the beach. when i listen to a good song i’ll start making movies in my head: lighting, camera angles, mis en scene and all. i write ideas for commercials and short films on random scraps of paper but have yet to do anything about it. yes, i will probably always be bad at making decisions (sorry Regis, i will never have a final answer for you). yup, i can’t help but look at things and ask myself why it’s not done differently or think it could be done better. yes, you’re right, i do over analyze. yup, right again, i care too much about details. no, i don’t think my standards are too high and i will not lower them to make you feel better. yes, i write way too much and if you’ve gotten all the way to the end of this long rambling piece of nonsense give yourself a pat on the back.
it’s late and i haven’t gotten more than 5 hours of sleep in the last two nights. but i don’t care because my mind won’t stop running. it’s always when i’m overtired that suddenly my brain feels the need to have all these unsystematic, ‘life-question’ kind of thoughts, and in turn i feel compelled to at least put it on paper…since i can’t sleep anyway.
i am frustrated, frustrated with myself. always seeing in me that which i wish wasn’t there, never satisfied by where i am, always longing for something not already before me. but at the same time i am overwhelmed by excitement. so in love with the fact that i am alive; dreaming constantly of that which is mine to take hold of and run with as i far as i can, a story that is mine to create, the boundaries endless. and it’s a terrible thing, feeling caught in the middle, day to day emotions swinging between the two extremes.
and why is it that the whole world feels compelled to match itself with an identity. or so it appears to me. perhaps not. maybe this is my way of compensating for a lack of self confidence, trying to make myself feel better by saying that i’m not alone in feeling the need to compare. either way it’s true for me, and it’s useless to pretend that i don’t feel the need to be accepted by others. but i look at my generation and i look at the culture that is so prevalent in our world today and i am in awe of what i see and unsure of whether i should be completely terrified. i feel like the goal is to portray an image that one’s life is desirable, yet no one is taking time to make real relationships—all is just a temporary covering to say that for the time being things look great. so who cares if my life is falling apart, as long as my webpage looks great and everyone thinks things are wonderful, that’s all that really matters, right? that’s why fashion exists, doesn’t it. and why things like myspace only continue to expand. everyone looking for an identity to shout out to the world that they fit in somewhere, that they aren’t alone.
and this itself is often a root of my frustration. for one, i so wish to feel significant in this world. but this is not what bothers me, what i hate is that i measure my worth by standards that don’t matter and am constantly comparing to those around me whether i try to or not. i’ve always been told never to compare. and yet we live in a world of paradoxes, don’t we, because i see it done everyday. so many great business ideas are based on just this: finding what hasn’t been done or what someone does not so well and then capitalizing on this asset, defining your business off of what others are lacking. and, how does one measure the success of his business? ah yes, by comparing itself to others in similar work. thank you ‘news and world report,’ ‘forbes,’ ‘entreprenuer’ you’re
but i’m tired of playing that game. i’m sick of comparing, so tired of feeling like who i am is in need of constant improvement. i think it is true, there will always be things i can do better, but my life doesn’t need to be focused around that. i want to learn how to appreciate the things that i hate about myself simply because it makes me, me. i hear myself write this and feel like i’m still in middle school, just now learning how to be comfortable being myself. did i miss the train, forget to jump on the bandwagon? ha, funny. but, here’s what i’m figuring out…who i am is constantly changing, and i don’t just figure myself out/“find myself” once. it’s a continual process that changes with each trial, challenge, error, victory, triumph, and mountain top that i cross because those are the things that push me, shape me and make me who I am.
so yes, i want to feel significant in this world, but i don’t want to continually seek confirmation in others because i’m not sure i’ll ever be good enough or if who i am will ever be what the world is looking for. why am i of worth? why am i valued? because i am the only me. there is no one like me and there never will be and that is pretty awesome. yes, i do in fact love dancing like a freak to rock music…any groovy tune for that matter. i like getting dressed up just because i want to wear a pretty dress. i adore the mountains, but i really hate being cold. i can’t image the world without oceans and relaxing days at the beach. when i listen to a good song i’ll start making movies in my head: lighting, camera angles, mis en scene and all. i write ideas for commercials and short films on random scraps of paper but have yet to do anything about it. yes, i will probably always be bad at making decisions (sorry Regis, i will never have a final answer for you). yup, i can’t help but look at things and ask myself why it’s not done differently or think it could be done better. yes, you’re right, i do over analyze. yup, right again, i care too much about details. no, i don’t think my standards are too high and i will not lower them to make you feel better. yes, i write way too much and if you’ve gotten all the way to the end of this long rambling piece of nonsense give yourself a pat on the back.
posted by Brittany at 8:10 AM
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